hope

i find sad songs too relatable
to feel comfortable
but i use them as a reminder
to work on the remainder
of sanity i have left -
is it considered a theft
if i steal from my future?

my thoughts split and multiply too fast
none of them can last
more than moment or two
and that just cannot do
if i want to survive in this world
i cannot spend my time curled
up in a small ball
of sheer fear and drear
tell me
am i a moocher
if i cannot make myself do anything at all
and i need to depend on others to survive this brawl
where my only enemy is imbalance in my own head
and what to do if i think i'll be better off dead?
nothing
there's nothing you can do
the only one who can is me
and it's easy to see
just how much i repeat myself
because i have same damn thoughts
on my mind for years now
and i just cannot get rid of them
and i think i am getting an art block
again
before it never took me more than one try to write
whatever i thought up, whatever i had on my mind
but now i am trying again and again and again
but nothing i like comes out, i might just as well strike a bargain
with something bad
to mask my insecurities
and make me last
instead of goining off in a blast
of anger
and fear
and regret
no
no
don't fret
don't you worry
friend
i am too scared to let the misery end
so i'll be stuck in this one place
for days and days and days
then i'll leave
just to fall back there in no time
and i am back at it
repeating what i already said a million times
and good rhymes
are becoming a rare sight
i just might
stay up all night
to write
something that i like
to no avail
because i know, whatever i do, i will fail
but
i still have hope
that one day i'll look at myself
and i won't scoff
and that's enough