tabula rasa

if it were up to me
i'd never choose to be free
if it were up to me
my life would be a tragedy

if i were to choose my fate
i'd never have this blank slate
i would always choose mess
over loneliness
over starting again
over acknowledging the sign
the red flag
the fact that breathing's becoming a drag



what i had would be better than anything i said
i ever wanted
what i had was never better than anything i've gotten

and
i've never been gotten
like this
and
i've never forgotten
the bliss
when it happened for the first time
i stopped feeling like a mime
and i started to talk

and i haven't stopped
ever since
and the growth-
i keep repeating the words of gratitude
- rinse and repeat, repeat and rinse -
and the happy attitude
is now a part of me
but there is a story
that would've been
a part of this, universally
if i wasn't taught to stay strong,
to know with whom i belong,
and that
as long as i keep my eyes open wide
as long as i don't have anything to hide
and as long as i know who i am
i will be free
there was a choice
that i had
there was a choice
that i made
out of spite
that proved to be right
because of my stubbornness
i experienced loneliness
as never before

and i was finally
a tabula rasa
a blank slate
in no state
in particular

i abandoned all that i called mine
that i felt was a chain
i dropped all that
and had a new start

still only a few steps
ahead the starting line
i feel better
than when i was a mime

because i’m not only a side character
in my life, i’m the main star
and if i don’t feel good being me, what’s it all for?

instead of following the script that was written for me
i’m changing genres – from tragedy
to thriller, drama, action, comedy
i don’t care, i’ll pick what’s best for me
all in due time, ‘cause time’s all i have now
and i‘ll pay for it all
but not today
not today
‘cause today’s my free day
and i chose to spend it feeling good
and i chose to be understood
and i choose love and happiness
instead of misery and loneliness
i choose to change the soundtrack
and swerve in other lane
although i don’t even know how to drive a car
i’ll learn in time
and for now, i just need to avoid the crash
and adjust to the thought of clash
that this is, inevitably, gonna bring
until then, i’ll sing
with the sultans of swing
and i’ll rock like a hurricane
like the world is mine
like all is like it should be
like i am ready
for all to be
in its place
like i am ready
to not live
like i am in a race

i had all the colours in me
and only brown was seen
cause all the things i thought were good
were not good in combination
and that caused an alienation
of me. from me.

then i was someone else’s colouring book
and it felt so freeing.
but as soon as i realised i don’t have a say
and all that i say would be wrong
as soon as there was a chance, i ran away.

i was a blank slate
and then i added the blue of the sky
and the ocean of sadness in me
and the gold of the victory
of the sun and warmth
as opposed to the ocean
and my devotion
to keeping things in balance
is starting to pay off.
finally,
i’m looking forward to future.
and i’m so sure
it’ll all go uphill.
and it doesn’t matter
that i feel like sisyphus
sometimes.
things change.
for better or worse, but they move from a dead spot.
and stagnation is a state in which i will not
allow myself to be in anymore.
so, what more
could i wish for?

and it makes me happy
to see
that the gleam
of sadness
in my eyes
is not all
that people notice
anymore

and even though i feel like a bore
i feel that my friends change with me
and i don’t feel like i’m draggin’
them down anymore.
we are growing together.
stronger than before.
and what more
could i wish for?