lachesism

i'm ashamed of what i've become

i feel so goddamn dumb

i know that i can do so much more

but i am stuck in one place, my feet are sore

from running in circles

what i need is an explosion

not this slow, painful erosion

a disaster

something that’ll stay in my memory

something that’ll give me energy

to move, to go away

to lead me astray

from this vicious circle without a ray

of light

i don’t want to sleep, i’m

feeling like i’m wasting my time

i spend my days in a daze

and my nights in a haze

wishing for a miracle

i’m anchored in stagnant waters of this bay

i need to get away

lead me astray

i have a good life, i cannot say i don’t

but it’s wrong for me, it’s not what i want

and i feel bad for feeling bad

sometimes  think i’d be better off dead

but i love breathing and blinking too much

and i am quite selfish, and as such

i wish for a disaster

and that wish is now my master

i need an explosion

not this painful erosion

which is slowly killing me

making me spiral to apathy

send me a memory

i want to remember me

before i lost myself in this

feeling, opposite of bliss

but i alone remember nothing

and i feel as much

my sanity i clutch

and find it soothing

when i feel panic arise

from behind my eyes

because only then i feel like i am me

and then, and only then i feel free

and so i scream

my fears away

and so i dream

my days away

waiting for an explosion

my soul in state of corrosion

slowly losing to erosion