i felt his perfume
and my heart dropped down to
my stomach
and i'm feeling sick
i can barely breathe
i was eating chocolate
and the piece i tried to swallow
at that moment
is like a lump in my throat now
this might sound as a fucking song
but it surely wasn't the plan
when i said
i wanted an adventure
i never meant
something like this
i wanted dragons
and fire
and peace
and bliss
at the end of the mission
when i come home
to not feel so alone
and it seems this has became a song, after all
but that's how i learnt to kill my feelings, to not fall
in the abyss that looks back to me
so i gotta keep writing
until i get to the root and burn it
until every last bit is destroyed and turned to dust
and that i will call my first mission
and it must
make me happy, i aim,
that my life, under no condition
continues being the same
and after it i will never go to any other
ever again
because, with it, with memory of him,
the sense of adventure
the lust for forbidden
will be
forgotten
and that smell
that cheapest male perfume
will mean nothing again
and i won't feel any pain
ever again
no tingling need
to sail away
like a vagabond
searching for undiscovered
to feed the need
to fill the emptiness
i will be free
at last
i will
change my last name
let go of the past
stop writing
become boring
become
someone else
content with life
no more flames that eat me up from the inside.
my chest will be a place for sun to reside
and all my tear-soaked wishes
for better life, for more patience
will grow out of barren land
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