a girl (1/3)

once upon a time
there was a girl with the same name as mine
she was oh-so-shy and oh-so-quiet
her nose always stuck in a book; from the real world she was hiding
she excelled at everything she tried
that didn’t have to do with body, but with the mind
and she was lonely, oh so lonely
until she found a friend, as it turned out - in the name only
thanks to that, the silence was hard
for her to bear, but its breaking left her scarred
thankfully, other friends she found
and she did her best to change into someone they’d like to be around
courageous, happy-go-lucky, energetic
always with a smile, never backing down, never apologetic
but as it turned out, it was a mistake
that left a mark not only on her, but on them, too; a painful heartache
and she tried to revert back to her old self
just her, in her room, with company of the books on the shelf
but it was too hard now
she couldn’t remember how
she and her thoughts could be alone together
she tried and tried
to be alone with her mind
but she couldn’t
because her mind… that wasn’t.


“without a way back, you can only go forward, right?!
step by step, foot in front of the other foot, the future does not bite!”
she thought, locked in her room
spending all day lost in the network, as her confidence bloomed

people loved her for what she presented as
a main hero of a drama, a fiery, fearless lass
always “hyper”, always strong
running forward without looking back, never admitting she’s wrong
in that illusion she got lost
forgetting who she was, who she is; and that had a cost
when she remembered that the image was not real
too many people believed it is; and she couldn’t help but feel
the hate for her dumb decision
which deepened with every stronger collision
of who she is and who she acts as
every time she’s with people who believed in her lies
but she couldn’t help it
she felt a need to hide it
and trying to negate it
she added a trait

no more a hero, changed by her hate
almost like a story of an antagonist, with the “straightforwardness” as a bait
she slowly slipped into an abyss of lethargy
but when she wasn’t lonely, the mask would slip on, filling her with fake energy
and when it falls off
the world loses colours, the thoughts are split
and the abyss comes for a payoff
for all the time spent out of it

now, tell me
is the change possible?
will her fate be laughable?
or will she learn something from it, in time, with luck?
or with that awful mask she’ll be stuck
surrounded by wall of fallacies
with no redeeming qualities
except for her act
which is, in fact,
not real
and makes her feel
oh so bad
and oh so sad

will she find a way out from that black hole
that swallows it all?